**language warning**

I’m not very good at this faith thing. At this Christian thing. I barely know who Jesus is, and he’s like the founder – he’s the one you HAVE to know to get in. And I’m just not very good at it – having faith, being Christian. I can’t live it out. I barely even remember to try anymore. Who let me into this club? Who let me into seminary? Apparently I am very good at faking it, but let’s face facts: I stink at this. 

I claim faith in a God who provides and yet I worry about everything. And trust me, I mean everything. 

I claim faith in a God who loves me and yet, as Anne Lamott so accurately put it, I “mind fuck” everything to death trying to figure out why this happened and what this means, and whether or not I’ll get what I want in the end. 

I claim faith in a God who loves everyone and yet I have my neat little categories with tabs: nice, but not for me; crazy; stupid; close minded; arrogant and mean; et cetera. I can come up with a reason for anyone as to why I don’t need to love them or care about them or even think twice about them. 

I claim faith in a God who is everywhere and yet I continually see just shit everywhere and so I stop looking. 

I claim faith in a God who is just and yet I sit here typing on my expensive computer in my own two rooms where I often don’t even turn out the lights, with my stereo system and iPod and clothes and I know there are people within two miles of me with nowhere to sleep; and yet I do nothing besides write it down and wonder what I can do; and feel sorry for myself because I feel bad. 

I stink at this. Who let me into this club? I swear I should be kicked out. I know we say we accept all people, but after awhile, don’t they have to try? I feel like I barely even try anymore. I’ve learned the words and forgotten the flailing, groping attempts to live a life of faith. 

I feel like I need mouth to mouth for my faith life. Not my faith beliefs mind you, those I’m all set with, but my faith life. Someone grab those shock paddles or pump my chest until my life starts to beat compassion and justice and action again.